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I wash the dishes with the windows open, it makes life feel tangible, crisp.  I don't take it for granted anymore, the beauty of air, of movement, of the lunar pull that brings the tides in.  Wind.  Rain.  The seasons.  The emotions of our world and how we've learned to cope with the dissonance between waking up to fog and puddles and going to bed with sunburns.  I don't take it for granted anymore, being able to breathe.

I was suffocating in my old life.  I was asphyxiated with my responsibilities, with a life I wasn't sure was mine at all.  I lost sight of the small details.  I worried more about the fabric than the thread.  I worried more about the patchwork existence I had made for myself than the way it all seemed to fray when I would try to sleep at night.  Unravel until I had to hold a hand to my dog's chest and feel his heartbeat.  Feel my own.  Convince myself it was all a nightmare, that I wasn't $90,000 in debt.  That it was all worth it.  That I wanted to be in California.  That I was lucky.  That I wasn't a failure.  That it was all worth it.

There used to be moths that flew at the window and made small thumps at night.  There used to be coyotes that laughed at the moon and ate stars in their hollows.  Nothing could keep me awake more than knowing I wasn't the person I wanted to be.  I used to press my fingernails into the palms of my hands and try to convince myself it was stigmata.  The moths that rose in my stomach I used to mistake for butterflies.  The coyotes in the darkness weren't laughing at the moon, but at me.  For thinking I could ever be happy if I didn't know myself first.

I used to think the word lilac was pretty and I liked how it ended in a C.  I thought about this when I was pouring some day-old coffee that I was going to microwave until it could burn my aching tongue.  I remember that morning.  It was the morning I decided to leave.  To leave the home I created.  I wasn't happy, I wasn't breathing.  I was checking my pulse at three in the morning, trying to race the minute hand, trying to keep my dog's breathing as gentle as my own. I thought about all the pretty words I would be sharing alone, convinced myself it was worth it to leave again.  Pack up, move away.  Debt and regret wouldn't follow, only this manifest destiny of creativity that I would forge ahead with.

I thought about this when I packed the cardboard boxes, taped them at the bottom so they'd be secure.

I thought about this when I couldn't stop shaking, how cold it was the first night in my new apartment.

I thought about this when I put myself with a paring knife and had to wash the wound clean by myself.

I thought about this when it was dead silent in February and I had to use an inhaler to sleep.

I thought about all this when I was making this tart this week.  How envious I was of those people whose life marches on, one first in front of the other.  How mine has staggered, fallen, tripped on its own night gown.  Maybe because it's still sleeping, resting, waiting to shake and yawn when the coyotes are sleeping.  When the moths fall silent, dusty and dead.  When I finally realize not everything was promised to me and I could have worked at all the things that I left behind in big cardboard boxes.  

California was a perpetual summer, sleepy and groggy and never fully connected to all the other pieces of my life.  This tart is a testament to that time.  Basil and lemon, the aromatics of the hot season.  Close your eyes and it's carefree, open them and you're staring at that To-Do list that never seems to get done.

Lemon Tart with Basil Meringue

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For the Tart Shell

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 sticks butter
• 1/2 c sugar
• 1 ts vanilla 
• 1 3/4 flour
• 1/2 tablespoon lemon zest
• pinch of salt

Directions:

1. Combine all ingredients in a food processor, pulse until forms a mass and still a bit crumbly
2. Turn out onto a floured work surface and knead two or three times with hands, make sure to lightly flour top, so it does not stick or the butter melts on your hands
3. Pat into a 10-inch circle and wrap with plastic wrap
4. Refrigerate for half an hour
5. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit
6. Take out of fridge and roll out to 10-inch tart length.  Form into pan and cut off excess dough
7. Weigh down dough with aluminum foil and baking beans, prick holes in dough with fork
8. Bake for 20 minutes
9. Remove foil and beans, bake for 12 more minutes
10. Remove and allow to cool.  Begin working on the curd

For the Lemon Curd filling

For the Lemon Curd, use this recipe from a previous post.  Adjust the sugar to be 1 1/2 cups and use the zest and juice of four lemons.  Pour into prepared tart pan and allow to cool to room temperature

For the Basil Meringue

Ingredients:

• 1/2 c sugar
• 1/2 c basil leaves
• 2 large egg whites, room temperature
• 1 ts cream of tartar
• 1 TB lemon juice

Directions:

1. In a food processor, pulse sugar and basil leaves until diced finely and basil leaves have released oils.  Mixture will look like a runny pesto. Set aside
2. In the bowl of a stand mixer, fitted with the whisk attachment, beat egg whites on medium until they begin to froth.  Add about 2 tb of the sugar and the cream of tartar.  
3. Set mixer to medium high after about three minutes and whisk about mixture has doubled in volume.  Continue to gradually add sugar.  Add lemon juice.
4. After two minutes, turn to high and let beat until thick and can stand up on the whisk.  
5. Using a rubber spatula, scoop basil mixture into egg mixture and gently fold until well incorporated

To assemble:  Pour lemon curd into prepared tart shell and then pour meringue onto the curd.  In a 350 degree oven, bake meringue and tart for an additional ten minutes to set and cook eggs.  Take out of oven, allow to rest before serving.   

Hello, Again.

I think sometimes it's hard to keep promises. I think it's always hard to be honest, when there are so many excuses I could use as to why I got lazy with responsibilities this summer. I tell myself it's work, I tell myself it's exhaustion, I tell myself it's having people over every week since May. But I'm only telling myself these things. In reality, I just got silent. Bursts of creativity came late for me this summer and I chose my time more wisely (finishing TV series and taking three hour naps). Instead of living through my work, the work that I create through whisks and butter, I died through the work I do for a living. Five-thirty comes very fast when you've been running in your head all night, trying to remember if you prayed that day (trying to even remember if you still prayed and what for). Commitment has never been a scary word, I'm co-dependent by nature. I've dated the same person for the majority of my adult years, but it's the commitment to myself that makes me find something else to do, anything else to not have to sit in front of the blinking space bar and the words don't come like they used to, when I was naive about failure and everything smelled like pollen in the Springtime.

But just because I didn't write about it doesn't mean it didn't happen. I had a good month away from writing, away from commitments that I've married myself to. But, today, I come back to you all in the hopes of welcome arms. And in the name of marriage and commitments, I want to share with you the present sent all the way to St. Louis, a package of sweets and savories, a package I did to celebrate complementaries. A package for my friend, Anne, on her wedding day.  I had originally planned to do a candy week, but I want to make it up to everyone and give them all at once, like Christmas morning instead of Hanukkah evenings.

Usually, if I mess up a cake, I throw it out and start again (after some swearing and desperate attempts to fix it) ((read: the carrot meringue fiasco of March 2014)). With these, I wanted to make sure they were perfect, combinations that would amaze the newlyweds and let them know I cared.  I went with the four basic flavor profiles:  sweet, sour, salty, and umami, as I thought that any relationship should have these aspects.  I didn't have time to test and retest. I could only mail out and hope for the best. So, enjoy these treats and make someone's day special, even if it's your own.

Anne's Wedding Treats

1. Honey-Peanut Butter (makes about a cup and a half)

Ingredients

• 15 oz. bag of peanuts (I used honey roasted)
• 1 TB clover honey
• 1 TB canola/peanut oil

Directions

1. Put bag of roasted peanuts in food processor and start to blend (please make sure the motor on your food processor can handle the mixing capabilities of this recipe;  otherwise, it will start to smell like a furby that was on too long)
2. As the peanuts start to break down and oils are being released, you will notice the consistency will start to change.  At this point, I began to add the honey and oils (both of these are to taste, as the oil will change the texture to less crunchy and the honey is used as the sweetener)
3. Continue to blend until the texture and taste are desired.  If it is not "peanutty" enough for you, add more peanuts to blend.  Also could add chocolate while mixture is still hot, more honey, or anything else you may like.
4. Put in airtight jar and store in fridge to firm up.

2. Candied Bacon

Ingredients

• One pound of thick-cut bacon
• 3/4 cup good quality maple syrup
• 2 TB artificial maple syrup (it's sweeter and works here...sue me)
• 2 ts Dijon Mustard (Grey Poupon)
• A pinch of black or cayenne pepper

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit
2. As the oven preheats, line a baking sheet with foil or parchment paper (I preferred foil here because the mixture was so sticky).  In a medium bowl, whisk the syrups and the mustard together.
3. Once the baking sheet is lined and the syrup mixture is whisked, dip the bacon in the mixture and place on the prepared sheet.  Give them some room as you space them so they can cook evenly.
4. Bake 12-14 minutes, turn over, and bake an additional 3-5 minutes (to desired crispiness)*

* A note on this one:  the bacon is very hard to get to a good crispiness if you continue to open up and watch it.  I suggest going with the lowest time setting and to trust that it will crisp.  If that doesn't work, then continue to do a minute at a time

3.  Butter Toffee

This one is actually my mom's recipe that she suggested a couple times for various events I was giving gifts for.  I never really paid attention, but it stuck out as a perfect option for Anne's gifts.  This one is completely hers, so when I share it, I'm sharing my mother's words.

Ingredients:

• 1 cup butter
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 ts vanilla extract
• 1/4 cup chopped almonds

Directions:

1. Prepare a baking sheet with parchment paper (buttered on each side to stick on the pan and also for easy peeling for the toffee).  Set this aside along with the almonds
2. In medium saucepan, put butter and sugar together and heat on medium
3. Stir slowly and steadily.  As you stir, you will notice that the solids start to break down in the pan, slowly coming back together.  Make sure to stir constantly, for nearly a half hour.  It seems like a lot of work at first, but it is therapeutic.  As the sugars start to caramelize and the butter starts to brown, you will see the signature toffee color slowly form.  When a deep, chestnut color becomes heterogenous in the mixture, you are done.
4. Take the pot off the heat and pour onto the prepared sheet pan.  It will cool quickly, so add the almonds to the top and try to shake the pan to distribute the mixture evenly (my mother also suggests using a greased rubber spatula to spread the mixture).
5. Place pan in fridge to cool completely, break into chunks and enjoy!

4.  Preserved Lemon Peels

Ingredients

• Peels of four lemons (make sure to not get the white pith), cut into strips
• One cup sugar

Directions

1. In saucepan, cover peel strips with water and bring to a boil.  Drain.
2. Repeat twice more. (this ensures all the bitterness of the pith is taken out)
3. Bring peel (should now be pretty limp), 1/2 cup water, and sugar to a boil
4. Reduce heat and simmer for 15-20 minutes or until translucent
5. Drain and let dry, 2-4 hours (I did mine overnight)
6. Toss with additional sugar

I hope you guys enjoy the recipes and if you need any proof that these recipes are great for gifts, here's the bride herself, posted on my instagram about her present:

Besos,

Brett