It's no secret that I'm still learning. It's no secret that it's been a jagged line to get to where I am today. I called my mother yesterday, I said we need to bake more. She said, "Absolutely" then changed the subject. It's no secret that there is more silence than I'd like but it's not really a secret why that is, either.
I keep thinking about memories. Not remembering things in the actual sense, the active sense, but the intangible nouns that occupy my time. How hard we try to recreate the past. And it's no secret that it's the hardest thing to do. And still we try. Like when my sister wanted to go to New York for Christmas and how we watched a movie we both liked when I was 9 and she was 13. And it all felt like pebbles to me, worn down and soft to the touch. Idly, we skipped them for a month or two and counted the times they skidded across the surface and felt happy for the moment. It wasn't until later when the pond looked expansive and deep and it wasn't worth the effort to remember the years between us from 9 and 13 to 26 and 30.
And it's no secret I've grown up. Especially the last few years. Especially with Nolan. Especially in California. Especially now, in this moment, with dogs and chickens and a fiance relying on me. And this weekend we watched the Super Bowl and I read when I was bored. And we got some takeout, like we did the last time we watched the game together in 2011. And we took a nap, like the last time we watched the game together in 2011. And we laughed at the commercials and we cuddled the dogs and we did the dishes and I made cookies to keep busy. And it was then I realized that it wasn't recreating all the things that made us smile, the intangible things that felt so comfortable in the moment we created them, but memories are things to improve upon. To adjust to the new lives we have. To be grateful for the handful of pebbles still in my pocket and to look at them all with possibility. And it's no secret I've fucked up at doing this for years and years and years, but it's different now and I'm not so sad to talk about old memories anymore.
Ingredients for the Cookies:
- 10 TB unsalted butter, softened
- 2 TB shortening
- 1/4 cup white sugar
- 1/3 cup light brown sugar
- 2 TB honey
- 1 egg + 1 yolk
- 1/2 TB vanilla extract
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 2 cups AP flour
- 2 TB ground pistachios
Ingredients for Filling:
- 1/8 cup shortening
- 2 TB unsalted butter, softened
- 1/4 TB vanilla extract
- 1/2 TB milk powder
- Pinch of salt
- 1-2 TB whole milk or heavy cream
Directions:
- In the bowl of a stand mixer, cream together butter, shortening, sugars, and honey until light and fluffy
- Add egg and yolk with mixer on low until fully incorporated. Add vanilla
- With mixer on low, add dry ingredients. When just mixed, complete mixing with a rubber spatula and fold in pistachios
- Turn out onto a floured work surface and shape into a disc
- Refrigerate for at least half an hour
- While dough is resting, prepare a cookie sheet with parchment paper and preheat oven to 350*F
- When dough is done resting, turn back out onto your work surface and roll disc to about 1/3 inch thick
- Cut out 2-inch rounds and place on baking sheet
- Bake for 15 minutes or until edges are browned
- Allow to cool
- While cookies are cooling, whip together your shortening, butter, vanilla, and milk powder
- With mixer on low, add your confectioner's sugar slowly
- Add milk and salt to desired taste and consistency
- Transfer to piping bag and pipe onto top of one cookie
- Place second cookie on top to make a sandwich
- Repeat with remaining cookies
