I’m finding more beauty in the crumbs, the coffee stains that ring a mug. I found an old textbook about gender and saw the pages, dog-eared and speckled in burns and blood, from a paper cut and ashes dusted aimlessly from my cigarette.

I used to read under grapevines and now I sleep twelve hours some days.

I used to speak Spanish in a timid accent and now I don’t speak it at all.

I used to bite my nails, but I stopped that a long time ago.

I read about 6 sisters who changed the world and I used to think I could, too. I told my mother I was never going to speak to her again, and now I watch the news with her, nursing coffees that grow cold and conversations that became keep memories of her mother alive and warm. She opened a box in a room she turned into a cat infirmary yesterday morning. Inside were thirty-seven napkins, hand-stitched and embroidered in yarn, lace, and scraps of satin. How delicate they were; carefully folded and not very well made. They did the job and we moved on to other topics, like how my mother isn’t very good at tennis and I’m not very good at forgiving. If my brother was having a boy or a girl. How my mother loves the smell of rosewater and hates how many ants she found in the windowsill in the kitchen.

How many years its been since I last celebrated my birthday with her.

I live for those moments, those mornings. The innocence and the redemption. The fog hands dully until about nine in the morning. It burns off, I go to work. She sits with her cats, with Milo and her Labrador retriever. She watches crime documentaries and lights candles in the heat. She went shopping the other morning and brought home some roses. Strawberries were on sale and she had never seen honeycomb before. So I made her these scones as a thank you for taking me back in. So close to home, so different than who I was. I used to read under grapevines and they’re still there. Giving second chances and strangling the chicken wire fence that surrounds the house.

Buttermilk Honey Scones with Rose-Strawberry Jam

Ingredients for the Scones

2/3 cup buttermilk
1 egg
1 TB vanilla extract
¼ cup honey
3 cup flour
½ sugar
1 TB baking powder
½ TB cornstarch
½ ts salt
8 TB butter, cubed and cold
3 TB honeycomb, cut into cubes for topping

Directions for Scones

Preheat oven to 450*F and line a baking sheet with parchment paper
Whisk together buttermilk, egg, vanilla, and honey, set aside
Sift together all dry ingredients into a mixing bowl and transfer mixture into your food processor
Add butter, pulse to combine until fat is the size of peas
With motor running, add liquid through feeding tube
Turn dough onto a floured work surface and pat into a round
Cut into 8 triangles, and pat edges to be clean
Place on baking sheet and bake for 13-18 minutes or until puffed and golden brown
Top with honeycom

Ingredients for Rose-Strawberry Jam

½ pint of strawberries, hulled and halved
1 cup sugar
Juice of 2 lemons
2 TB fruit pectin
2 TB rose water
Zest of one lemo

Directions for Rose-Strawberry Jam

In a medium-sized saucepan, combine strawberries, sugar, and juice. Heat on medium.
Stir occasionally (I like to use a wooden spoon) so that the mixture does not burn, but you want enough heat that the juices bleed from the berries and the sugar and lemon juice condense slightly
Allow to boil for a good 2 or 3 minutes
Add your fruit pectin and stir vigorously for a few seconds to combine
Resume your boil for another minute
Take off heat, stir in zest and rose water
Jam will continue to thicken as it cools, when slightly warm to the touch, you can put in your jar. This recipe makes one pint of jam and is not a proper canning technique, but a quick jam recipe
Store in fridge, use often and plentifully

We create our own mythology and my sabbath is the morning. Ritual has become important for me, no matter how undeniably boring it may seem. I like the simple beginnings to the day, the power to breathe without feeling stifled. The power to slowly shake the dust of sleep from my hair and curl up on the couch while I hit snooze over and over again. Milo wakes up first and the rest of the house follows. I measure out 8 cups of water, 4 scoops of coffee. While it percolates, I lay on the couch, under a tattered Navajo blanket and try to stay warm. We keep the air on all night, it makes us lazy in the morning. We tuck our feet into anything warm, pillowcases and warm puppy bellies. Elsa's sleepy eyes stare at me until I crack my back and start my day. Put the clothes in the dryer, wash my face, duck my hair under the faucet. I drink two cups of coffee and walk out the door. I don't eat until dinner.

But when the summer comes, I sleep longer. I break my own dogma. I'm a little hungrier than the day before. I woke up this morning and wanted oatmeal, peasant food. Warm food. The air conditioning was cold and I needed to be warm, to feel like home. The way my mother used to make it, sweet and buttery. I kneaded it into a bread dough and made these rolls. I'll eat them all week, warmed up and enjoyed with my coffee. With the dogs at my feet, waiting for a ripped morsel. With a boy breathing in my bedroom, his head chasing the daylight, avoiding it at all costs.

Honey Oat Rolls

oft and delicate, these rolls remind me of home. Add a little smoked salt for a savory kick, or keep them sweet and light with your coffee and cream. Makes 12-14 rolls.

Directions:

In a small saucepan, heat water to a boil and add oatmeal
Cook oatmeal by simmering for2 minutes, until tender.
Add sugar, honey, and 1 teaspoon salt and stir. Simmer for an additional 3 minutes or until butter is melted and sugar is dissolved. Mixture will be sticky
Transfer to the bowl of a stand mixer, fitted with a hook attachment. Allow to stand and cool until outside of bowl is warm, but not hot to the touch (approx. 110*F)
Stir in yeast with a fork and allow to sit for 5 minutes. You will not see any bubbles (the mixture is so viscous), but it will help to activate the yeast
Turn machine on low and first four cups of flour, one at a time. Allow to mix on medium for 4 minutes and gradually add remaining flour to create a steady dough
Roll onto a floured surface and sprinkle in remaining salt and sugar (I like the small amount of texture separating the spices like this can bring). Knead for 5 minutes until dough is springy. Place in an oiled bowl (turning once to oil the top as well) and allow to sit in a warm place, covered, for an hour or until doubled in size.
Once hour is done, preheat oven to 350* and punch dough down. Grease a 12 inch cast iron skillet with butter and divide dough evenly into 12-14 equal parts, rolling them in your hand and placing them seam side down. Cover with towel and let rise for 20 minutes
Gently rub tops with small amount of butter and bake for 20-25 minutes or until golden and puffed. Remove and cool gently
Store in airtight container to enjoy 3-4 days after baking.

Ingredients:

2 1/4 cup water
1 cup oatmeal (it would be fun to experiment with different flavors. Peaches and cream anyone?
1/3 cup dark brown sugar, packed
1/3 cup rich honey, clover
1 1/2 teaspoon salt, divided
3 tablespoon butter, room temperature. Plus extra for greasing
5 teaspoons active dry yeast
4 1/2-5 1/2 cups flour, plus more for dusting
2 tablespoon white sugar