So suddenly the old feelings come. Always when my mind stops wandering. Always when the chances come and I lose the gull to roll the dice. I’m more fearful now than I used to be, so suddenly when those feelings come. A well, an aquifer, a rain gutter. A response to gravity. A need to flow.

I remain lazy this summer, sleeping past my alarm. Hitting snooze so often, the sound harmonizes with the early birds. I fell asleep on the porch swing one morning, my coffee grew cold and so did I. I got seasick in this landlocked state. I washed my face with cold water when I woke up and found a spider in the sink.

I mowed the lawn while everyone is away. Two blisters and a callous because I don’t work often. I take care of nine cats while I’m here. We keep the gasoline in a small barn that used to house chickens, then ducks, then a wild pheasant that broke its leg. I don’t think much of those days now; the grapevine strangled what was left of the coop.

I think I used all my potential on healing these last few months. Wasted, but perhaps not squandered. Exhausted, but perhaps not exploited. I think I have a bit farther to go. I sit out and lay in the sun most days on my lunch break, trying to escape the Freon cold of air conditioner window units. I think back to a year ago, when I made my parents dessert in a house that had an outdoor kitchen. I think back to how every promise was broken within a year. I think of who I am now, if I’ve really grown at all. And I bake to combat the Freon cold of the air conditioner, too.

Victoria Sponge Strawberry Shortcake

An update on a classic with another classic. This recipe is adapted from Nigella Lawson's in How to be a Domestic Goddess. Makes one, 2-layered cake out of two 8-inch square pans.

Ingredients for the Cakes:

1 ¼ cup AP flour
½ cup almond meal
4 TB cornstarch
1 teaspoon baking powder
¼ cup milk
Zest of one orange
2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 teaspoon almond extract
1 cup butter, softened
1 cup sugar
5 eggs

Ingredients for the Cream:

1 cup heavy whipping cream
½ cup confectioner’s sugar
1 TB pure vanilla extract
Pinch of salt
½ cup mascarpone cheese

Directions for Cakes:

Preheat oven to 350*F, prepare two 8x8 square cake pans with parchment paper and butter
Sift together the flour, almond meal, and baking powder four times, until very airy and light. Set aside
In a measuring cup, whisk together milk, extracts, and zest
In a stand mixer, fitted with a paddle attachment, cream together the butter and sugar until light and fluffy
Add eggs, one at a time. Turn off and scrape with a rubber spatula when all eggs are in mixture. It will look slightly lumpy and curdled, but it is just fine
With your rubber spatula (not with the stand mixer), lightly fold in flour mixture, a half-cup or so at a time
When all flour is incorporated, your mixture will be pretty thick. Thin it out with your milk mixture and beat for fifteen seconds with the stand mixer on medium-high to aerate slightly
Split batter in half between the two prepared pans
Put both pans on a half sheet and bake for 22-25 minutes, or until golden brown and sides have pulled away from the pan
Allow to cool

Directions for Cream:

While cakes are baking and cooling, work on your cream
In the bowl of your stand mixer, now fitted with the whisk attachment, whip your cream until soft peaks form
Add your vanilla and continue beating on medium
Slowly add your confectioner’s sugar and your pinch of salt
Turn mixer off
Gently fold in your mascarpone cheese. The whipped cream will deflate slightly, but the cheese will thicken the mixture to a nice, heavy consistency
Set aside until ready to assemble cakes

To assemble: Lay one layer on your work surface and dump your cream mixture into the center of the cake. Using an offset spatula and working from the center, spread your mixture toward the edges, being as rustic as you so choose. Add about 5-10 chopped strawberries on top of this and a squeeze of orange. Sit your second cake layer on top of this. Sift confectioner’s sugar on this layer and sprinkle almond slices as a finishing touch. Serve warm or allow to refrigerate for a couple hours for flavors to mellow. Best within two days.

I know the value of nourishment now. I used to smoke cigarettes until I got sick. I drank coffee and added packets of sugar to make it bearable. I ate pizza in my college mini fridge and ignored phone calls from my dad when he said he missed me.

I know what nourishment is now, to be mindful of the present. To pick quality. To say sorry. To spend time with my family, to remember birthdays and anniversaries and baby showers. I’m spending the week at my parents’ home in North Carolina, with my uncles and aunts and cousins from Indiana. I’m different than I was when I saw them last—at a grandfather’s funeral or at an obligatory Christmas in middle school. I’m different because I laugh more now; I can’t take life so seriously. I got a beer for my cousin who looks like me and we each took a drag on my brother-in-law’s Pall Mall.

It’s something I needed, to grow up. To try a little harder than what I was used to. I see the world in its potential rather than through my obsession with opportunity. Its potential to reincarnate itself into a thousand manifestations of God and God is a thousand manifestations of endeavor.

Trial and error.

Forgiveness.

I made this cake before I left. I kept it simple. I kept it about quality, about the ingredients I had in my pantry. I made a gateau breton, more shortbread than cake. A performance of cultured butter and confectioner’s sugar. A dance between countryside fever dreams and beach-going haze. A nod to my vacation with rum-soaked cherries. A dessert that lasts for days and is gone in minutes. Like respect, like quality, like forgiveness.

Cultured Butter Gateau Breton with Rum-Soaked Cherries

Adapted from Nigella Lawson's gateau breton recipe, with rum-soaked cherries and a tanginess of cultured butter with a high quality product from Vermont Creamery.

Ingredients

¼ cup dried cherries
2 TB coconut rum (or any rum or whiskey you may enjoy)
1 ½ c AP flour
2 tablespoon cornstarch
¾ cup white sugar
Pinch of salt
¾ cup culture butter, softened
7 egg yolks, separated
1 TB vanilla extract
½ teaspoon grated ginger
Zest of 1 lemo

Directions

In a small bowl, soak cherries and rum and let sit
Prepare an 8-inch springform pan (or cake pan, if you don’t have a springform pan…no need to stress over it) with butter and parchment paper
Preheat oven to 375*F
In the bowl of the stand mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, sift together flour, cornstarch, salt, and sugar
Add butter and mix on medium-low. Batter will be crumbly
Begin adding 6 of your yolks, one at a time. Add the subsequent yolk once previous is fully mixed
Add zest, ginger, and vanilla. Mix for a few seconds to fully incorporate
With a sieve, drain cherries
Fold cherries into the batter (note that the batter will be thick and sticky)
With floured hands, pat the batter into the prepared pan and smooth out the top with a wetted spoon
Now, with your seventh egg yolk, mix with a tablespoon of water and spread this glaze atop the batter
Cut a diagonal pattern into the batter and sprinkle with a small amount of sugar
Bake for 15 minutes at 375*F; reduce oven to 350*F and continue baking for an additional 25-30 minutes (begin checking at the 25 minute mark)
Let cool completely and remove from pan. This is a hardy cake and will do well with a little confectioner’s sugar and perhaps a squeeze of lemon
Cut on your diagonals to serv

This post was inspired by Vermont Creamery, who excel at making quality dairy products. Check out their website, Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter for more information. Thank you!