I don't like looking back on our time in California. A lot of it feels like failure to me. I'm learning to see it through different lenses, but that's an exercise I have not mastered yet. But I like looking back on our early years with Murphy, because I know that wasn't a failure.

We got Murphy the very night I finished my last final. It was Contracts law and I finished 20 minutes early so that I could drive to Los Angeles and pick him up. Small and crying, I held him in my hands and he was beautiful. He sat in the passenger seat, so tired from the adventure. I sang the Carpenters, I remember. I cried a little, I remember. He gave me a feeling of purpose when I didn't know if things were falling apart. He gave me something to dedicate my time towards; the question of returning to law school was still up in the air.

And for five years, I have loved Murphy with my whole heart. He's gentle. The sweetest dog I've ever met. He wants to be by my side for hours. He finds small crevices to tuck himself into. He has a tooth that's longer than the other and so his smile is a little crooked. He has a sweet tooth, too. And I know Murphy is the reason I changed five years ago (or started to, at least). I wanted to be better because of him. He, as well as Elsa and Milo, gave me the purpose I had been missing - a family. That love was not borne from opportunity, but a requirement for happiness and I have tried to live this more as I have gotten older.

I am lucky. I am lucky to love my dogs so much and I am lucky to have had Murphy as our first. Five years have been perfect with him and I am grateful for many years more.

And it's hard to wrap all of this up in one post, let alone one cake, but every day is a devotional to putting their needs before my own. The cake was impromptu, using ingredients from around the kitchen, but I made sure it has a little sweetness to it for him. And when they got sick of having cake for breakfast, I scraped off the icing for my other family, the chickens. I don't own anything on this land of ours, but I'll be damned if I don't want to make sure everyone's happy.

Ingredients for Cake:

1 cup AP flour
1 cup whole wheat flour (can sub for another cup AP)
1/4 ts baking soda
1/4 cup canola oil
1 cup peanut butter
1/2 cup applesauce
1 cup pumpkin puree
1/4 whole milk
2 egg
1/2 ts cinnamon

Recipe for Cake:

Preheat oven to 350°F
Prepare a 13x9 inch cake pan with oil and parchment paper
In a bowl, sift flours and baking soda
In a stand mixer, beat all remaining ingredients
On low, add flour until incorporated
Beat on high for one minute
Transfer to prepared pan and bake for 30 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean

Ingredients for Icing:

1 c yogurt
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/4 cup marshmallow fluff
1/2 cup confectioners sugar

Directions for Icing:

For icing, mix all ingredients and apply to cooled cake. I also topped mine with Girl Pow sprinkles

Circled big in my planner you can read "Chickens Today!" in large letters on May 9th. Since then, our schedules and upcoming vacations have revolved around their needs. We change the water four times a day and feed them just as often. Each morning I count them, twelve chicks curled in wood shavings and dirt, underneath the heat lamp. All accounted for, we haven't lost one yet.

My dad says this is a miracle. He says you always lose one or two. I believe in listening. I believe in fresh air and words of encouragement. I believe in not waking them up and letting them sleep, so I might walk back out in the morning an hour later so they aren't stressed. I believe in letting them be free, to not constrain them to a brooder, so we fenced in half a barn stall for them and they get a chance to run free. And at night, Nolan and I hold hands and walk down to the barn, cutting through the sodden grass from when the spring house overflows and the red, red glow of the heat lamp acts as a makeshift lighthouse when the rest of the world is pitch black.

It's hard to not get attached, to let my mind wander to their future and their happiness. We do the same thing with our dogs, we anthropomorphize their thoughts to fit our actions. We say they're happy so we don't feel so guilty, but how do we know? For the chickens, we keep them warm and safe. For the dogs, we hold them tight on the porch swing and think of them while we're out, picking up hamburgers or tennis balls along the way.

This is a life I couldn't have in California, the expansive life of opportunity, of homestead and hearth. Of empathy. Of nurturing. Of appreciating the fog over the hill and barn and the deer whose footprints break the soil after it rains. Every detail is here in our own world and I try to remember we're a part of it all now.

Farm Animal Crackers!

I thought of this idea a few weeks ago after agreeing to help one of Nolan's coworkers with a 4-H bake sale, so we bought these cookie cutters on Amazon and I started playing around with ideas. I loved the chicken one (of course, after seeing my little girls grow!), so thought it would be fun to just use those. I spoke with Molly when she was in Philly about this idea and she got me on a good path using powdered milk. And it worked so much better! Yas, Molly! I also referenced Adrianna's recipe as well.

This recipe can be adapted to smaller shapes, but just be aware of baking time!

Ingredients:

1 3/4 cup AP flour
1/4 cup powdered milk
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1/8 teaspoon baking soda
3 TB unsalted butter, softened
1/2 cup sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2 egg whites
1/4 cup whole milk, room temperature

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350*F and prepare 2 baking sheets with parchment or a Silpat
Sift together flour, powdered milk, salt, and baking soda in a large mixing bowl
In the bowl of a stand mixer with the paddle attachment, cream together butter and sugar
Scrape sides with a rubber spatula, add vanilla and egg whites and mix--it may look a bit lumpy, but that is okay
Create a well in your dry ingredients and add your sugar mixture, stir to combine
Finally, add milk to moisten dough
Roll out onto a floured work surface and knead for a few seconds until dough comes together
Roll out cookies to about a 1/4 inch thick and cut out your shapes. Place on baking sheets
Once you have cut out your shapes, place in freezer for 10 minutes to firm up (this will help with the shape being consistent when baking)
Remove from oven, poke a couple times with a tooth pick
Bake for 12-14 minutes or until edges are tanned and top is puffed slightly
Allow to cool before coating in white chocolate (directions below)

To Decorate: Melt or temper 20 ounces of white chocolate. When cookies are cooled, dip one in and coat both sides using two forks so as not to smudge the chocolate with your hands. Transfer to a cooling rack, decorate with some sprinkles, and allow to dry. Repeat with half of the cookies. With remaining cookies and chocolate, dye pink using a quality red food dye. Coat remaining cookies with same method.